Lifelines

How motherhood changed my perspective on everyday things

I’m sitting outside at Starbucks. I live in California and it is a sunny January day so outside feels appropriate. The one draw back to this seemingly ideal scenario being that this Starbucks happens to be sat alongside a small Northern California highway. Their business is primarily drive-thru, and semi-trucks zoom by at regular intervals. The noise of the traffic is, at times, louder than the thoughts in my head. Admittedly not the most peaceful or cozy place to sit in the sun with a coffee. But the key draw of this Starbucks is that it also happens to be the only coffee shop within walking distance of my home.

Prior to motherhood I would not have identified as a ‘Starbies’ girl. I am, admittedly, a coffee snob. But my deep need for coffee in this postpartum era and the convenience of this highway-side Starbucks have made it a vital part of my weekly routine, it being my only resource for out-of-home coffee when I simply cannot fathom gathering all of the accessories I will need for a trip in the car, because the stroller is already loaded enough as it is - with diapers, extra clothes, water, snacks, etc - when we simply go on a walk.

Motherhood has made this particular Starbucks a lifeline of mine, a way out into the world when, these days, I often feel so confined, so shrunken to the role of mother at the expense of all else. But the walk to this Starbucks means that my daughter will most likely fall asleep on the way, allowing me a few stolen moments of stillness and solo time while she sleeps. A child’s constant need for their mother’s body - for sustenance, for comfort - is something people try to warn you about but can never fully prepare you for. A mother is rarely free of this additional limb and it can become exhausting. So the moments of alone time - for my mind and body - this Starbucks allows me are precious.

is not only this Starbucks that has become a surprising lifeline of mine in motherhood. There are several things I now do or search for that pre-motherhood I might have snubbed or avoided. For instance there is a ‘park’ near my home - again walking distance - that is less park and more wildlife marsh. It is near the 101 freeway and across the river from a gravel pit so it is a not so beautiful place to spend ones time, especially in the summer when the marsh is cracked and dried and browned and looks more like desert than wetland. However, it’s proximity to my home and the fact that it is not the winding streets of a 1970’s subdivision have heightened its appeal. It may not be the most beautiful part of nature but it is my only walking distance access to nature. Walking here means access to dirt and trees and (occasionally) water and birds singing on the stems of reeds. And because of this it has become another lifeline in this new motherhood era of mine.

Both these things are trivial - Starbucks and an ugly park - but they speak to something bigger, how motherhood can take over everything. The needs of the baby coming first, always. The overwhelm of all there is to do making even the smallest thing (driving to a favorite coffee shop) feel like too much. And so for survival we, as mothers, compromise, in small ways and I’m also sure in big ways too, to make it work, to survive. These small compromises have humbled me, have allowed me to see the good and useful in so many things I would have otherwise overlooked, and have made me grateful for them. But its the big compromises I want to be on the look out for. To make sure they are compromises I’m willing to make.

I’m curious, what lifelines in motherhood did you find? Did any surprise you?

H xx