The Surprising Thing About Becoming A Parent
My daughter was born 4 weeks early, 4 weeks ago. It’s taken me this long to put any (mildly) coherent thoughts together amidst the bleariness induced by lack of sleep and the general shock of having a newborn, but here we go…
Our daughter’s entry into this world was not only a surprise, it was fast and furious. Within 4 hours of my contractions starting, Wren was here. As first time parents my husband and I were not only mentally ill-prepared for what to expect, but due to her early arrival our physical space was also ill-prepared. When I woke up at 1am having what one nurse described as “Mother Fucker” contractions I woke my husband, suggesting he should probably pack our ‘go-bag’ - something we’d been talking about doing for weeks, but never actually managed to prepare (along with several other things on our baby-is-arriving-soon to-do list).
Immediately after that final push, with her cries announcing her entrance into this world, the nurses set her still purply, goopy body on me. I had expected in this moment - the moment of her birth - to feel an overwhelming and insurmountable sense of love for the small creature I had been carrying for months and just pushed out of my body, because isn’t that what we are told we are supposed to feel? However, what I felt instead was simply a sense of relief for being done pushing, for no longer being manhandled, and for no longer being at risk of an emergency c-section (which was at one point, a real option). What I also felt in this moment was a total lack of any other emotion. I was at loss in a sea of not knowing how to feel. I felt empty, which was true physically, but I was surprised by the emptiness of emotion after such a truly emotional event.
However (and luckily), this emptiness did not last long. Once we’d been moved from delivery to recovery and I was holding her soft small body in my arms, the flood of “expected” or “typical” emotions hit, and hit hard. I shortly became obsessed with this little creature and how full her mere presence made me feel. But full of what? Love? Joy? Its certainly something like either and both of them, but a feeling I’ve been unable to fully describe. What surprised me during those few days recovering in hospital was how natural it felt that she was here, that she was part of our family, that I am her mother. As if she’d always been here. Her arrival was less of world rocking moment than I had expected it to be.
Now, having only been a parent for a few weeks, I can understand why parenthood is so difficult to describe to others, especially to those questioning whether or not they should choose to have children. Parenthood is one of those illusive things that must be experienced to be fully understood because words fail and mere observation is too full of bias. Having several friends with children, and watching each of them become parents, I thought I had a basic grasp of what parenting was like. They all say they love their children very much, but I witnessed their realities appear so changed it used to be difficult to imagine that they also loved their new altered state of life. Once a child arrived these friends became tied to their children’s schedule, toys took over their home, and it became increasingly difficult to spend any time with them as adults - their children almost always present or they needing to rush away after a short time. It seemed as if they relied on the love of their child to cope with the difficulties and downsides of bringing one into the world. And while none of this necessarily deterred me from wanting to become a parent, it did delay me from wanting to be one. Deciding I’d rather go to happy hour than the playground for just a little bit longer.
But what I did not expect after having watched several friends bring children into the world, was that having a child, becoming a parent, is better than I could have ever imagined. I assumed I would love my child - that’s what hormones are for. But I wasn’t prepared for the deep sense of joy I feel simply because she exists, how happy I am to just sit with her. It’s a joy that is better than anything I’ve ever felt. To use a terrible cliche - it’s as if the world has turned to color, like Dorothy leaving Kansas for Oz. And more than that, rather than dread the changes that have happened and are occurring in my life, I’m actually excited about about what is to come next. Because rather than take away from our life or reduce our life, bringing Wren into the world has expanded our lives, added to it in the best of ways. I am also surprised by how much more in love with my husband I am because our daughter is here. This I cannot explain, but the joy that she has brought me has somehow overflowed and deepened what I feel for my husband. It’s as if she has unlocked another level in our relationship. And while writing about all of this feels tacky and cheesy (it is), these cliches have become the only way I know how to describe what is indescribable because this sticky, icky, tacky love is exactly how I feel.
A final word. All this love I feel is not to say the past month has been easy. We are in the thick of sleepless nights, I often feel incredible isolated, and our home is in a near constant state of chaos. We also carry near constant worry about her development due to her premature arrival. Most days I don’t shower until midday (if I shower at all) and the longest I’ve slept in a stretch since she’s been born is two hours. But despite all this I would do it again in a heartbeat, and it feels as if the adventure of our lives is just beginning.
Heather xx